Pest

howdy,howdy,howdy!

2002-09-19T14:01:52Z

hey its me again!
i havent written in a long while but i think i should start coming here more often.
i know everyone wants to hear about my oh so exciting life ! lol
so we all had a pretty good summer , and the kiddos are back in school.
i havent been as active as i would have hoped to have been but theres next summer lol
got out a couple of times though
just got back from algonquin park,well the just outsides of the park
oh it was some fun ,four women out in the true wilderness , with no men to bother them
quite the trip, so were in bear country and weve got three out of four of the women in the menstruating way,so we called our camp "CAMP MENSTRUATA" !
the only other folk we saw were the local rednecks in thier pick up trucks and a couple of other campers
alot of trees though lol
right on the side of a lake and the stars out there were just incredible
i have never been in such darkness in my life then the sky cleared and the starlight was everywhere
i saw three shooting stars while deliberating if i was going to get out of bed and go out into the cold to pee lol
havent been doing much else
no schooling or work
i need to do one or the other though
im thinkin schooling for a personal support worker
or those pesky final math courses i need lol
anyhow im still on the eternal search for the perfect guy for me and im thinkin that if im going to travel the world to find him im going to need a larger income lol
no such luck so far
and the phrase"fully exhausted all options" is not something that i want on my resume for love lol
hmmm ? or is it ? lol
well you know what i mean lol
well nothin new to say about movies
no new movies to discuss
im going thru a drought and its a long long season
all the way back to not seeing spiderman while it was in the theater
like "what the f**k man
oh well , it does no one any good to dwell on things like that!
those things that are just so inconceivable as to cause ones head to simply shake back and forth due to the state of speechlessness that they find themselves in.
ok well ive said about enough for now but i think i will try to come back and let some of the things that get clogged inside my filter come flowing out for you all to peruse at your leisure
chow for now, later gater and all those silly,funny little things that people say to each other when saying goodbye
bye

unmovable

2002-06-09T20:27:39Z

have you ever felt like neo in the matrix
when they took his mouth away
im silent lately and its not normal i am not supposed to be quiet and sedate
it is all just so odd
i am in the middle of some heavy decision making and am scared out of my wits
it is all so heavy when i think about it
well lets just say i wouldnt want to go swimming and have this suddenly come and settle over me while in the deep end
staying at the bottom would seem like a viable option to escape it at that moment
hiding away and not makin any decisions is not living its avoidance plain and simple
sometimes i think why make any decision at all
why not wait and it will get made for me
but then we have no way to combat it when things go bad , do we ?
or i plunge ahead not sure and then what
make the worst decision ever and totally screw my life forever ?
or it may turn out to be the best decision i ever made and things might become better than i have ever imagined?
see indecision
is where i am right now
in a corner wondering where my mouth has gone and wondering just what i would say if infact i could find it .
later
it will go on
it has all this time anyhow
pes

wow

2002-05-18T18:31:34Z

its been some time again
i have sat down to write in here several times and had so much to communicate but just not the words or any kind of frame work to base any kind of communication on.
still dont really
i feel lost when i sit here and dont really know what it is that i have to say
just that i feel the need to say something
i dont know when or where it came from but there has always been this voice or what have you in the back of my head i suppose ,if it really has a place
that says to me when i get like this , alone ,scared and not sure of my path
well, you've got to figure a way out of this mess , and soon cause it aint good and things aint all right , its all your fault,the decisions you make are uneducated and usually for the wrong reasons, so how could they ever be right
you are small and weak and addleminded
how can you ever expect anyone to ever really care about you
or truly care for someone else...

i sit there in that mind frame sometimes and wallow, its easy to be there believe it or not but there a person can just sit like a child and just be comfortable with all those feelings because they are familiar and nobody else hurts when you are there because you're alone, and theres no one to talk to about it because nobody understands
there is only me

things come and go that bring me in and out of that place
my kids and that sometimes is faded
like i start to slip into this place and they are just moving around me in the play
my friends
they try to help and when im in that place and they are around me , i feel , i dont know how i feel exactly just, in the way and a burden
but not always there are moments when i feel like a part of things and it is glorious and i revel in it
and make the best of it
some people look at me and wonder where all my energy and whathaveyou comes from and i think its that , that very thing, that i enjoy it for it is fleeting
then there is this other place constantly calling me
i wish i could stay in the other place, the good place
the place where people love just because they can,
because they want to
love all things and life is good and there really are people who love each other and they dont harbor secret grudges about things that dont matter in the end when they stop to think about that they are together
they have someone who loves and understands them and truely is there simply just because they long to be in each others company
value each other and each others company , the things they each say wether it nonsense or profound
to hear each others fears and fantasies
to laugh or to cry with at losses and the same at victories in life
and to have someone do the same for them all along the journey

sheesh see how fu**ed up watchin a love story will get you man
im tellin you
there has to be some friggin laws passed about this fodder for the mind man !!!
wow shook that off
lol
sorry about all that
maybe i should erase it after all
lol
i can t do that
it happens to me on occasion that dreary seriousness
well back to frivality and (you know the opposite of prudidity?)
whatever that maybe
i just want to listen to my thoughts for a while and sort of get some bearings
not hiding , regrouping !
just keep repeating it
osmosis lol
i hate coming out of the depths in the middle of an entry because the two sides of my personality are so different that it sounds like there are two authors lol
but oh well
this is me lol
i am living with my dearest friend again and am here just trying to figure things out
she keeps my head above water
i feel generally useless and directionless
and long to get back what it is that i lost somewhere along the way
i know i had it just recently but its gone and i dont know where or when i lost it
so it'll be hard to find i fear
these moods sweep across me like waves and i wish i had some warning as to when or why
i think i could sit still and be quiet for the rest of the day and just wait for someone to come

i dont know why i say such silly things and go on the way i do
it is all stupid trash
i dont know why i even bother to write it down
im such a coward
i keep thinking i should just erase the whole thing
or at least put it in my private thingy
mad ramblings
you suppose these are the memoirs they will spill out into the paper after i go completely crazy and like go postal or somthing
just something to leave you to think about
hehehe
i will be back

um, hello ?

2002-01-14T18:31:51Z

anybody out there still ?
for all those who have for months been all torn up at the thought of my absence,
i am ALIVE !!!!
just wallowing in idleness and complacentcy , wasting time

so many things i have wanted to share with you guys
lets get the obvious out of the way first

movies !!!

well
LORD OF THE RINGS, BABY !!!!!!

well one of the most wanted and long awaited !!
for more than just me this time !!!
wooo hooooo

wonderful and i dare and defy all to point out any faults or any misgivings at all in fact
and any one to be ignorant enough to talk to me about the ending should read the epic and then get back to me around next christmas , ok !

hehehehehehe

ok what else planet of the apes , hmmmm
well somthin just didnt reach out and grab me like it should have
i dont think it's disappointment i feel exactly,more like hey where's the rest of my movie ???
"actually it was the female that was the agressor"
not verbatum but
coulda , shoulda led to somthing more.
more power to the girl with all the hair and the attitude and a hankering for white meat baby !!!!!!!

hehehe
ok surprise of the year for me was moulin rouge !
well not a big fan of Ms. Kidman since she spent so much time with my tommy , but i figure hey they dun busted up so , what the heck
hehehe
well i loved it
glowing revues from the fluff lovers in my life
hehe
and you know who you are !
i am a musical fan i cant help it
i have also come to grips that with out my fluff content in my life
my love life would be alot simpler or alot harder
some confuse more than entertain hehe
they cause the two warring sides of my soul to collide
" no there are no guys out there who would go to such lengths or be as true"
and
"oh, i want to be loved like that , why cant i find someone to love me like that , he's out there somewhere !!"

i end up a cynical terror or a wishy washy starry eyed teenager longing for my jake ryan !!
its hell
but with out, i know my movie content would be alot bleaker and there would be alot more death and destruction lol

i have had great pleasure recently in introducing my formost bringer of fluff to my life to my very own version of the stuff
hehehe
well after we watched " ravenous" hehe
no , just joshin but it is in my collection *wink*
a true classic !!!
wanna get lost on the mountain with me ???
come on it'll be real fun !
hehe
no it started when she caught me in the middle of one !!
yikes !!
thought i would hear it for it but no she took it well
but walked out because she didnt want to see the end !!
sheesh
so we had to go rent some
we got the new mansfield park and the older sense and sensability
so theres my romance content !
good luck finding someone who thinks like a 14th century gentleman
rather than a knuckle dragger or mongul !!
hehe
and last but not least "HARRY POTTER"
well having a couple of kids in my life who are just old enough to properly appreciate the wonder of harry , i got to go guilt free cause we grabbed them all and went !!

my pants were very uncomfortable and seating was just not right (to spread out)
but the story and the movie were first rate
definetly will have to have it in the collection ,
any how
thats it for the movie critique section of my post
i think lol
hehe
well, the love life is well i'll get back to you on that one ok
(no promises)
hehe
our holidays were great , uneventful, hmmm good or bad ??
christmas was good , and the rest of the holidays were well uneventful i did nothin
not unpleasant but far from adventurous
am i an ingrate
am i deluding myself into thinkin i dont have to be a bump on a log
hey i aint askin for indiana jones to show up at my back door but more than hockey on every ,every 7:00 would be nice
i can only be hushed for so long before i either turn into edith bunker or a nice long walk on a mountain , hehehe
well at least he'll be good to me or good for me !!!
lol
so i have missed all you guys
geek has added a few cool flicks to my list
women on top and a knights tale
oww!! gotta love that blonde
fell in love with him when he was in 10 things lol

i have not yet been able to catch even one episode of the new star trek
but it aint for lack of interest
ever since he was sam , you all know before that awful copy of his show " sliders"
grrr
be more of a poor rendition hehe

on to another
well speed freak , motorcycle boy?
your up next
sorry i didnt get to come over and party with you guys
still hope to
but i have been hearing some slightly unsettling things
a new hole in your head i think, and the pics as of late and personal ads ?
good lord i dont know if i was fooled before or if your just foolin around now ?
normal guy ,hmmm
how old are you ??
they say that most guys , ya you know , around that 35 mark , well you know what they say !
you dont have a new red sports car do you and some leopard spot underwear ?
well mid life thing or not guy i hope it's all cool for you

i wanted to ask you what you thought of the new girl power commercial out
you know with the babies and the pink hats and the fist in the air
"i am woman !!"
thought of you instantly
hehe

and for every one else
did you ever notice that some peoples journals are just a jerry springer episode
airing thier dirty laundry
(not that i dont )
but
when someone deliberatly says somthing in thier journal that can and will be understood by everyone who should understand it , just for the sake of a pity trip or to start up conviently ,shit in someone else's circle
well those are the kind of people that as you grow and evolve as a person
you leave behind in the dust or should any how
easier said than done for some
but to continuously have these people creeping out of the wood works to the eventual bringing down of all involved , should not be allowed to coninue in a life that is considered to be responsible .
if you know that he or she is just going to do something to screw everything up and cause havok or you know damn well that thier intentions are out right bad
why involve yourself in it at all
these people are like parasites creeping in to suck a tiny bit of your blood
dont give in
feeding them at all will just cause a greater bite mark at the end and you are left holding onto a hole in your person , bleeding from a wound you could have avoided
"a cat can have kittens in an oven , but that dont make em bizkits"

there is a time to grow up is what i have started to figure out i guess
but dont confuse me with someone who has any great advice
i just see some real flakes on here that should just be shrugged off right down the drain
phew
enough of that heavy stuff
i feel i have bored you all for long enough so i will bid you all a fond farwell and im outta here !!
love pest !

tra la la lalala

2001-04-19T18:39:28Z

"me, im,waiting to see, what goes around when she comes around to kill me !"
you ever notice how one line in a song can just capture the moment and transport you !
or a line from a movie ?
or how about "you been tellin me , your a genius since you were 17, in all the years ive known you , i still dont know what you mean ?
"the weekend at the college, didnt turn out like you planned, the things that pass for knowledge , i just dont understand !"
"they said she died easy of a broken heart disease"
watched a tv show about jails recently !!
and ive decided that i dont really ever want to go to a place like that
it's filled with a bunch of not very nice people , who arent very happy !
hehehe
just a little revalation
also saw a stephen king biography
and never realized how many of his stories i know and love
i went over the list in my head of movies and then books and i surprised myself with how many i know lol
im glad to be able to say that i have read more than i have watched !!!!
another !
sure why dont i ??
"could you say to meyou love me,that im the only one,could you say to me you love me , that im your man"
"is this the last time i'll ever see you ?
is this the last time i'll ever meet you ?
is this the last time i'll ever make love to you !! "
i dont want to stop now that ive started !!!

"have some mercy and kevorkian me to sleep !"
last one !!
"somtimes , i feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,and i cant help but ask myself,how much i let the fear,take the wheel and steer"
lol
any how !
later gater !!

hmmm, insomnia ?

2001-04-12T19:51:43Z

then !
ha !
to sleep perchance to dream ?
here goes !!
darkness, im walking
the wind is in the trees
whipping them around
like a tempest revolving around me
yet as i notice all this it is calm and silent where i am
a sound? a feeling? the hairs on the back of my neck rise
the wind?
your claws rip into me , my arms and back.
the pain hits me like a searing burn
your head appears over my shoulder, my skin is pierced
both shoulders clutched , my hips and back shredded by your death grip
fangs inbedded in my neck, my throat is in your mouth.
the weight of you on me , causes my legs to buckle, i hit the floor.
your claws retract and you land gracefully on the floor beside me your fierce teeth still in my tender, oh so tasty flesh.
one move , the smallest movement of your head and my life is over .
wet now with my blood, your tongue moves inside your mouth, thick and rough , i feel it against my skin hot and slick.
the idea that you are merely tasting your prey flashes in my mind, like a beacon
your hot breath steams my glasses but not before
my fear and panic halt.
i realize that you are waiting , waiting for what though?
it's that very question that changes my fears into
fury as my eyes catch yours.
the recognition shows in your features, terribly distorted but still recognizable to me.
this is all just part of a fun game to you , as the life's blood flows out of me and into you and all over the ground you are smiling, rejoicing in the game.
in a blink the vision is gone from me and sure enough we are back seated at the table.
the smells in the air and the clink of the silverware and the china assuring me of the solidity of my suroundings.
feeling dizzy and a bit foggy, i see that you are unaffected , eating your dinner and raising your glass as if in a toast
the ground under me becomming less and less shaky
all is well untill the smile hits your lips ,slowly curling , evily at the corners of your mouth and i know that i was not alone in my vision !

hehehe
i was woke up then by a flash of lightening and then a crash of thunder !!
i asked everyone if they saw any of the storm last night but no one did !!
has anyone out there read "insomina" by stephen king ??
i dont want to lose my mind !!!
am i ?
lol
later pest !

elmo

2001-01-16T08:24:34Z

i had an adventure and now i sit and think about it , endlessly
i am torn , or hurt , or angry or confused
or all of the above !
its so true that sometimes it doesnt matter how long a person is in your life ,the lesson learned could be forever in the coming or come like a burst of light after a just short time
cause enough of an effect that you stop to think and evaluate things external as well as internal !
i think about him , and the fact that there was no connection , it makes me think about me and the state of my mental health ?
dont know if thats even to harsh of an expression now !
do i sit and think whats wrong with me or do i go on with how i feel on the flip side
im fine and whats wrong with him
i want not to be just tolerated but i want to be rejoiced upon and thoroughly enjoyed !
i dont want someone who finds me twitchy and neurotic
i want to be loved and cherished and adored for my many quirky ways !
im me and theres no honest way around that !
so he got in some how but now how do i get him out ?
i dont like that he makes me question myself
why after such a short time ?
he seemed so interested but then when i was me it just wasnt there ?
and no words as to why,just like a machine , dont get it
there was no void of personality when the friend was on the phone but to me
lookin in my eyes there was nothin,no words,why ?
was it me?
you think my feeble mind was below any kind of conversation, why does sexuality have to mean not intelligent ..... or that i was to fast,to much, to full of me
empty thats how he seemed and i dont get it ?
intimidation?
how can i be intimidating ?
im just me !
sure i have deep thoughts and want to discuss them but doesnt everyone ?
doesnt every one want to reach out and touch other minds and see what neural pathways they have in there ,
that are different than your own ?
well i do and if that cant come at the same time as touching hot sweaty bodies then theres somthin wrong somewhere !
is it bad to need mental stimulation?
i think that cocks become redundant after a while
i dont want that to have to be a major piece of criteria!
im angry !
i dont know exactly why !?
lol
the song !

didnt say to come in
where the hell have you been
i can see your excited
you can tell your invited
justify your evil ways
make up for lost days
didnt mean to close the door
when i threw you to the floor
didnt mean to close the door on my personal whore
where do you fit in
in my night of expression
you let me make a suggestion
you've left a scratch on my face
i can see to this day
your no innocent man
come and catch me if you can
didnt have the time of day
but i fucked him anyway
didnt have the time of day
to play

the song doesnt calm but cause more thoughts than it should!
i feel like i could rip throught someone right now
im a 135 pound girl and i dont think im that strong but i want something i can ride like a jungle gym climber and that aint a gimp or an unreachable , unfeeling scaredy cat !!
someone who's strong in body aswell as faith
he has to be out there somewhere!!
i just know that i am not so unattractive in body or mind,people like quriky ,dont they ?

any how im bout done now so good night to all and to all a good night !

hmmmmm

2001-01-11T14:58:07Z

i think i do love this live journal
all the times in my life i have written down my thoughts i have never had someone read them and comment back to me about it!
lol
im sure people have found my journals before and read them but when there's sneaky invloved you never hear about what they've read !!
lol
thank you all for reading , stay tuned for much more lunacy to come !!!!
hehehehe
ok so
now i want to put an entry in here
so that this one thats been burning up the ink pages i keep could now burn up my little piece of the internet too !
he is ........?
he is somthin
its hard for me to write this because i been thinkin about invitin him to read my journal ,freely and i dont want to gush all over this page then tell him to read it , you know ?
the fact that i havent written bout him in here yet has signifigance, but now im just doin it!
lol
he's beautiful ,i find i can just talk and listen and look and shine and not get bored
lol
we have a date on the weekend
im excited!!!!!
which is an understatement
considering that im bouncing and singing everywhere lol
been dancin to "don't tell me" by madonna
i have been inspired by her music before and
this one is just the most recent.
more later lol

the dysfuntionality of one mans mind !

2001-01-10T16:34:18Z

just to begin
i would like to say that the fact that i have to write this should be considered testimony to the point
the relationship has been over for monthes and everyone involved has many times said to give it up but
first -
gave love ?
gave love includes blowin into town with 20 dollars and staying (indefinitly)
with not one but 2 unemployed single mothers then (the oh so responsible man in question) knowingly just allows himself to lose his job !
just doesnt go back !
rathered stay and party he did !
then when all the money was gone , he finds a job ok
a grown man with a woman and a child to take care of starts to work at an A&P
and couldnt even get to work often enough to save a job made for a high school student!
yup he wanted to take care of her and her son though!!!
lets keep it real !
so just check the good man off the list
next
the job!
need i say more after that bit of trivia
but yes i must because some of us, kids , just dont get it
so gather round and we'll hear another story
this one starts with all of at the dinner table
4 kids and 3 adults
a nice picture happened many times and all times it never finished without a farting or burping session and/or swearing and a story that was not acceptable for the children in the first place but definitly not acceptable for the dinner table

she may not be the perfect mom but she is doing her damnest to keep that boys head afloat in todays world by giving him a good moral code and manners and good judgement all three of which you showed no interest in helping with!
yet now the mans all respectful and grown up ?
just dont see it?
my take is you got some kind of ego boost and of course ........
give an inch and you take a mile
so you got some one or somthin in your corner and you just have to make your self feel better by attacking right ???
yup thats what i got from it
and any body who feels the same by all means please
enter your opinion because this pin head wont take it from any one involved
. . . . . .
or hes is gettin somthin from someone involved who just despicable
if thats the case
who exactly do you think your helping
giving him any fuckin info is breakin a trust and if you dont get that then you just dont get friendship at all
look at this shit ?
who do you really think this is helping ?
i dont get it at all
but then again im just an unemployed single mother right !
well to continue ,
cause i could go all night !!!

he actually has the nerve to say 34 going on 8 lol
yes a point back to the behaviour of the man at the table and stress that the boy is 11 and who has raised that boy ?
this mother thats who !!!
the same one under attack
while friends and family do nothin to make it better , in fact they just keep adding to the fire dont they ???
it hasnt been some no job ,no life ,no children of your own idiot with an attitude !
the man comes in and a month and a half later hes the end all be all for the boy?
sorry but "what the fuck ?"
do you think he gets up in the morning and chooses which schizophrenic life drama hes going to live out today??
oh today im going to be the drunk threatener
or oh today im the ultra responsible father figure
or today i wanna kill myself because im such a waste of space
which is it?
good natured, mild mannered do-gooder
or crazy,clingy,off balance schitzo ??

i ask ladies and gentlmen of the jury ??
he's even checked her future for her ?????
may i remind you that this was a month and a half relationship and its been over for way longer than it lasted ok
and shes the one whos unbalanced ??
when she gets mad her son wants to be elsewhere or with his dad
hmmmmmmmmm
i dont know but just about any kid i know would choose to be else where when thier parent is on the rampage , no ?
he is 11
hello ???
i was here an do know that the statment " the best time was when we were alone"
was directed at his mother while the schitzo was here ???
does that say anything to anyone else but me ??
i feel no need at all to talk to the shuffle comment cause everyone involved most importantly the child knows how much he is continuously pulled from here to there in places hes wanted so theres just no need.

this man sits in his place of meditation , where in his gramas house?
and yet he still looks down his nose at her lol
she who has tried to provide a life of things for herself and her child, yet he cant provide one for even himself ???
and before you quote someone you should know alittle bit about what they stand for so that you dont sound a fool!
gloria stienem would have took one look at him and announce that it was men like that who keep the feminine class down with thier petty male judgements on things that they could not possibly understand !
imagine a single male with no dependants let alone anyfriends, who cant act like a grown up for even one family meal or understand that a parent isnt always a best friend , telling a good mother of 11 yrs
how to parent ?
especially when everyone is continually commenting on how great and well mannered the child is already ???
hmmmm ?
and then the P.S
" i got my license!!"
like she cares and i think you just announced just truly how worthy a man you are !
how old are you and how long did you lie to her face and drive illegally before you got your license ????
this is about all i have to say on this for now but i could be given to more rant later so stay tuned lol
any and all comments will be appreciated !
pest

christmas

2000-12-23T22:58:51Z

i wish everyone would have exactly the christmas that would make them the most happiest !
i havent and will not have the christmas i want !
am i wrong to want to be with someone on christmas
especially when in all actuallity i have a boyfriend but ....hahaha thats another entry lol
isnt christmas supposed to be about feelings and caring and all that junk people are always screamin about, well im screamin too

sure presents are nice for about a
half hour ....then what
the christmas season they call it, not just christmas day !!!
am i wrong here
doesnt everyone want to feel loved and cared for (not taken care of for the time being )
and cherished and not just for your dollar worth
i want my children to think of christmas as a good time of yr not just a morning when you get a bunch of gifts just because your a kid
i have never been sick during the holidays before and not felt as low ever as i do this christmas , always seemed to have friends around me , this yr i feel lonely and of course cant even take part in the consumer driven maddness cause i am broke
so no christmas spirit and no fake christmas spirit can i muster this christmas !
i feel like im the grinch !!
never before have i felt this way
wanting to spend christmas with someone isnt wrong i dont think
i have been single and not felt so lonely as i feel now
at leat when i was single i didnt get rejected and ignored by the one who im waiting to share the season with because you dont wait for it when your single and i think that it aint worth it if a single is better than a double !
money isnt really an issue because i have had christmases with alot and with a little and they all have been special in thier own way
but i have never felt as in the way , pain in the ass,albatros around someones neck-ish ever at christmas
my children are so unlucky to be saddled with someone as useless as i feel right now
any how i must go entertain in the ruse of christmas cheer !
pest

man o man!

2000-12-08T22:02:40Z

some people just dont get the rules of being broken up in a relationship , no matter how long its been or how many people tell them thats its done and over.
so they just keep going , and going like a little energizer bunny , doing stupid , threatining ,hurtful and not fun at all things and they some how think that these things will bring thier astranged loved one back into thier o'so lovin arms .
clearly these kind of people either need to be in an insane assylum on heavy medication because they just have no grasp on what most refer to as REALITY !!(as in she wants someone else now and he aint you )
or they are so self centered that when the loved one is sayin i dont want to see you again !
or lol
why dont you go out side and play hide and go fuck yourself !!
they just dont even hear the words, the way the loved one feels now before "the plan" comes to fruition are of no concern because all will be well when the plan comes together .
they are just so preoccupied with thier own thoughts and plans and little manipulations on the side they have no room inside for the other persons feelings and care nothin about them as a result, persons like this just move about oblivious to the havoc they bring ,caring nothin for personal space and personal trusts, personal privacy, other that thier own , of course!
they then appear hurt and stricken with grief when the plan falls thru or the pawn chooses not to play the part ,
its the pawn who is rockin the boat " if you would just play your part like I wrote it , we would all be happy "
not realizing that just because they are havin fun doesnt mean that everyone is having a good time !
i am speakin from personal expirence and also from an outside veiw !

today

2000-12-07T22:06:16Z

hmmmm i feel like im on Saturday night live lol
the other day there was stuart smally on the journal and im sittin waitin for adam sandler lol

pest @ 2000-11-29T17:53:00

2000-11-29T22:53:22Z

ok what would you do ?
play it off like it's nothin or just coast along with it ?
rock the boat or float on down the river with out grabbing an oar?
man arguments are sure different if you take a break in the middle
more and better ammunition the next day or a peace agreement in the disguise of an appology
sitting quiet is for sissies i say but why dont i speak my mind at the time ?
sometimes i do but other times i just dont
why
chicken BAWCK BAWCK !!
thats why !
i want to just go off about everything but then i know there will be alot of cleaning up to do after
damn i just feel like it aint the same
i shoulda just said it all last night !!!

you know what i hate ??

2000-11-29T21:46:38Z

when someone is a complete and utter
FUCKIN ASSHOLE to you and they know they have
but the next time you see em they act like , its all cool brother !!
rude and rude again i say !!!

i had a good chuckle !

2000-11-17T01:44:39Z

i was doin some light reading tonight and while browsing i came acroos somthing about me !!
lol
it was someone who mentioned that a certain song reminded them of me !!
so i take the bait !
lol
got a good laugh
very cool song !!
lmao

PHEW

2000-10-29T18:19:05Z

ok im back
im still angry but im workin that out lol
so im back to sanity , i hope !!
this is where i want to be !!
enough of that bull shit
im sorry if my moment of weakness cost any body anything !!
i dont know why i continually go against my best friends's advice all of them veto the guy , long ago
but do i listen , no !!
why ?
cause im a retard ,thats why !!!!
well im sorry for being so blind somtimes bout men
you guys are right
they become some kind of a mission to me because it makes me feel like i am needed
everyone has somthing , dont they ??
each one a different thing
others see it for what it is !
i see it as somthing i can help him to overcome , all the while my mole hills are becomming mountains
shit !!!!!
ok well this is a focus problem
i just have to focus !
right ?
lol
well im to mentally bogged down to go on
sputering crap out !

in the immortal words of brothers
bartles and james
"and thank you for your support !!"
love to all who are in my heart !

I'm done now

2000-10-29T18:01:44Z

well i thought i need some time to get him out of my system and i was right i guess lol
well he's just pushed passed out of my system and went straight to bad mistake .
well im through defending and making excuses to my self for it
i can choose to not have it in my life and i do
i choose none of the above !!!
none
not just alittle, i choose none !!!

i realize as i sit here , that he is so incredibly self involved that he doesnt even have any idea what this fight was about !!!
oh , that is not to say that he doesnt think he knows what the fight was about but , i know that he has no real grasp on what it REALLY was about!!
me and especially my children dont deserve to be talked to in that manner!!
never again
he wont get another chance from me !!
im done !!

hell in a handcart !

2000-10-23T18:06:42Z

holy !!!!........

you ever feel like you woke up in an alternate universe and everything that can go wrong does ?
well ,welcome to my hell lol
the kids, the pets , the men !!!
all hell is breakin loose !!
chaos !!!
going to hell in a handcart !!!
it's the end of the world as we know it !!!
it's the end of the world as we know it !
and i feel fine
so i think that were losing that animals and i lost my man on the weekend !!
and im just plain gonna lose it on the kids who dont want to behave !!!
so theres alot of losing going on

well not for everyone !!!
lol
someone special has sombody special !!
and you know who you are !!!
im glad
she needs to believe
there are good ones out there , someone who will understand !
*BG*
shining for days she'll be after an afternoon like that !!!
and our resident nut has had a weekend too !!!!
a concert !!!
havent got the details from the horses mouth yet , but i heard that she had a good time and looked very pretty at the same time!!!
my child !
im afraid that i have not gotten off to a good start with my son
i have been slack on him when i should have been stern and a constant figure to him to look to for everything
letting things slide only makes for a bigger pile to tend to later !
im trying to have sticktoitdness and am taking steps to come up with some kind of discipline for him , he just seems to not care about his school work or his teachers.
to a point of blatent ignoring
he has done it also to other adults
he laughs in my face while im giving him crap
i just have to get a handle on this , i dont feel like i do !

so, the man !!
gone ??
dont know !
he hasnt been back yet , but ........somthing tells me that it aint over that easy !!
im hoping he realizes he was dead wrong and i was just !
theres no argument left in the whole thing
nothing in common lol
especially the parts where he wanted to yell at me and make everything my fault and i didnt want him to !
ya didnt like that part to much !!
well as heartbroken as i am , i must plod on lol!!!!
now i can watch what i want and sing and dance when i want to and listen to music that i like with out hearing thru the whole song ,how much it sucks
i can be a hockey fan and not have to have the game on !!!!!!!!!!!!

and on to the new
he's a cutie !!
i found him
he's so far away
i saw the map !
it's far !!
he's a very modest and sensitive soul and i feel very close to him despite the great distance !
i think about him , and what he's doing off in another country and i wonder if it's really that different down there?
other than the accents i think it's plodding on just like any other person !
but they do have some funny laws down there lol

the pets
well we have the most insubordinate cat on the planet, again caught trying to pilfer from the nieghbors lol
he got a ride in a van , and he thinks he's king of the world lol
our other ?
well, i think he's got mouser genes, so i think he keeps his nose up at all of our kushy surroundings and needs the country air!

our cow will be sorely missed im afraid
he so cute with his thumbs and all
he b a special little guy , thats for sure
so thats basically how things have been going for me this weekend lol
pest

Friday the 13

2000-10-13T20:00:50Z

i cant believe that nobody has said anything bout today being this day!
what? , superstition means nothin anymore !
come on people , before all there had to be was a cold wind and people were like oooooo, im scared,
but now nothin scares us anymore does it?
black cats are rampant does any one notice , all im sayin is "i just dont know where all this not believing in useless supersitions is going to get us ?"
speak amongst yourselves : if a supersition has no power if people dont believe ,does that make it any less unsafe to walk under a ladder ?
pest

yee haw

2000-10-13T19:14:55Z

First my own journal and now my own icq
WEEE HAWWWWWWW
boy i am comming into the new milleniun slowly but surely lol
so i am totally enjoying my time and space on this computer !
i have an outlet !
i can have real adult conversations , with myself and others ,not that i dont get it at home but
from 9 to 5 the appliances dont talk much !
lol
a little chattin in between the laundry and dishwasher and vacuumin and the bathin of the pets , that has become my daily life (and i aint complaining!)and love!, makes for a more cheerful day ,
my friends will attest to the fact that PEST is a fitting description for me , always pesterin for some conversation (even when they're workin !) oops !!
i try to be good really i do , but some of em are bad influences !!!!!!!! (you all know who you are !)
i think thats what it must be , im not a pest when im alone , only when theres someone else around lol
here or there now that im online yeah !!!
imagine worldwide pesterin woo hoo !!!
so thanks for the outlet guys and all my love , gotta go get back to those damn unchatting appliances lol

journals

2000-10-11T18:31:01Z

ok i get it now !
this is starting to be funner than originally thought!

holy cow !

2000-10-11T17:04:03Z

I guess it's been a while lol
ok so we've had thanksgiving !
it went marvelous ,if i may say so ,and i do !
once women with a mission hit the kitchen look out , serious stuff
a full day of cooking and cleaning,i'd say
then company arrives !
friends and family
all welcome
catch up on stuff and settle in
DINNER !!!!!!!!!!!
oh boy what a feast !
still have leftovers lol
big bird was here !
and he remains here , well at least his remains remain here !
whatever lol
so then everybody was so stuffed by the main course , everybody forgot bout dessert lol
our resident sweets sweetie created for our refined palates a pumpkin cheesecake ever so delicatly spiced ,yummmmmmmmm
the stuffing and the bird ,wine and turnip and carrots and potatoes , sweet and otherwise
and good company
boy can you beat it ?

i must say i think i am a holiday fan !
one of my faves is a commin'
halloween !!!
oh man
and am i excited , well after seeing how well thanksgiving went, i know we'll have a blast spookin the place up
well when you've got wingdings you can get pretty far out there , and i'd say we have a few
yee haw !!!!!
i dont know what i want to be but, i want to be somthin !!!!!
there was talk bout the whole gang doin'
the rocky horror picture show and that was interesting
but some of the group may be a bit to......shy , shall we say lol
so perhaps somthing else like the wizard of oz or
the three muskateers
or here's an idea !
how bout witches lol
now there's a stretch lol
anyhow got youngin's to 'tend to
and my boyfriend is still to make an appearence yet today lol
good day all and drive carefully !

families

2000-10-04T18:18:56Z

i would like to say somthin bout families ok
i think that single mothers are great but i dont think that was how it was supposed to be .
the family unit has broken down so much, that the idea of the waltons is nearly extinct,i mean that grandparents and aunts and uncles , where are they ?
didnt it used to mean somthing to be an aunt or uncle or even god parents for that matter , i dont even know what god parents are
i grew up with two brothers and a sister then two step brothers and i could not tell you what any of them are doing today .
my parents well thats another matter i dont remember much about my mom before she left except the guys she was cheatin on my dad with ,after she left i dont remember much of anything of the year after, nothin not even school memories.
i used to tell myself that she lived to far away to come and see us ,except for the one fateful visit evey year , my birthday ,lovely ,try carrying that . the only birthday she comes for all those years , i cry somtimes for the children we once were and what a shitty upbringing we all had .
well when i found out years later that she was living right in bowmanville i hurt so bad that after that i dont think i felt anything for along time and somtimes now i still feel the switch flip to off.
my dad well i can say that he was there and that counts but just being there aint everything ,he just there sitting on his couch the whole time , no working to show us work ethics or involved with our lives , we packed our own lunches , for as long as i can remember lol
no house cleaning so that we could learn how to keep house , nothing
i have never pumped gas and i had never mowed a lawn till i moved in with mel .

great protecton for your heart these walls but what you dont realize ,till it's to late somtimes ,that you cant let them get to tall cause it gets harder to see out, every brick.
hard ,i feel so hard sometimes and then other times i just want to break out and be just me, no forcefield , no barriers and i think that your supposed to learn how to get over and away from those walls from your family , through thier advice in times of struggle for you and by seeing and helping them through thiers.
the thing is that the family unit is so fucked that we have to find new people to let our walls down around . enter "the extendid family"
a phrase that is horribly underrated or most definitly underused!
i never knew i was missing it till i had it and didnt recognize it for what it was and then somthing happened .
i realized that there are some people who do care about me and my children and that they are good,intelligent people and they cant be that mistaken , to have faith in somebody like me, can they?
i forget somtimes and it shows
but to care for and to be cared for in return should be somthing thats is just there ,should be there your whole life
i really like my family that i have now and even though things are sometimes shakey,often they arent,more often then not.
i am learning things that i have missed in my life for as long as i remember and i will now be able to give these things to my children ,so that they can have them in thier lives and know them not just learn them later because i didnt have them to give

i am very happy with my home life i guess is what im trying to say lol
i love all of you
jen

sheesh

2000-10-03T15:56:49Z

i love him im sure of it
i cant wait to do things in the future
thats real
and it aint been done before
i've had lots of guys who have just talked bout doin things but he seems to mean what he says , he's come though before and i just want to have some faith in this one , i'd like to throw an anchor down around this one .
but then i fear this one may break my heart
but i dont know if it's just old fears or somthing i just haven't grasped yet in me now ,it's just all crowded and i dont know how to sort it out .

this song sounds so good to me ,"have a little faith in me"
and he sings it to me everyday, not the song ,but the feeling
i want to tell him that he makes love to me in a
million different ways evryday
the way he touches my face when im happy and when im sad
when i shiver he sees and turns on the heat
he always is thinking bout my needs or at least the ones that register to him
i just need to give him the time to identify them then register them
he needs to do the same for me
we both want the same thing at the end, i can only hope and wait and see and deal with things about as soon as i can lol
he kisses me and i feel it in my toes , literally and i dont know if thats just girly infatuation or real
I NEED TO KNOW IF IT'S REAL!!!!
thats all lol
so ok do i just trust and end up sad or do i trust and end up happy
i guess you gotta roll the dice huh
you will never win if you never roll
how do we end up so jaded ?
where did i go off the trail? , i dont know
but i know im not one of those people who can give thier heart so swiftly , dont think i have ever given it , i give it to lots of people daily but, not the whole thing ,theres so much he doesnt know ,does he really need to know it all?
the past is the past right?
can we just move on to the new?
can i just ignore it and it'll go away?
if i stop thinking bout it is it gone? really ?
i'd like to go on pretending that the things that are in my past havent affected me so deeply and i am a good person and deserve someone to love and better said someone to love me
why do i feel this empty place when i think about being loved , like im always trying to find the one thats going to make me feel like ...............someone wo deserves to be loved
he makes me feel that he needs me and i know that...........
see i was just going to say that i know i need him but then there is this thing that screams to a hault in me and says " your tough, you dont NEED anyone !"
but i feel like i want him to need me for things,shouldnt i need him for things too ??
shouldnt i ?
the way i feel , the way i want him to need me for things , shouldnt he feel it to ?
he does , but im talkin bout inside me
maybe i need to evaluate exactly what i do need from people
im tired of not needing people , you know it's much easier to do things with more than one set of hands or heads or hearts
i think i havent given anyody the chance to see not even myself
i gotta go have a shower but i'll be back

so it's garbage day

2000-10-03T15:26:19Z

may i just start off by saying that i am left handed and unless you are as well you wont understand this but , somtimes i pretend that it's everyone else who's backwards and not just me , my girls gave me a mouse on the wrong side , for them
it's on the left
just think everybody else havin thier hand tied behind thier back and havein to use thier left
they would all be dead, or dying slowly , like fish left up on the shore by careless fishermen .

so i spent the night over at my guys place
i like him alot
i say the words to him but have nothin to gage it on so i dont know if it's the truth
my girls would say that if i dont know then it aint it !

and i would agree , if it werent me in the chair

well i have never been in a relatonship like this one and i do feel that i want him in my life , no matter how cranky or stubborn he can be cause , i got shit on my list too.

so i got shit to say bout my ex and i just cant seem to get it out !
hmmm
well he's a peice of shit did i say that already , well i did again and again lol

i .......... still have nothin to put into viable words
i dont want to find out that it's true

i want to still believe in him but .........